“Love is Patient, Love is Kind” – Reflections on 1 Cor 13 from Amoris Laetitia
by Joe Cady
In 2016, Pope Francis wrote a document on love in the family called Amoris Laetitia. It’s a rich document intended to re-present the Church’s vision of marriage and the family as good news for the world. The document as a whole is worth reading, but in this article, I want to focus on the fourth chapter, where Pope Francis unpacks the famous words of St. Paul from 1 Corinthians 13. “The welfare of the family,” Pope Francis says, “is decisive for the future of the world and that of the Church” (AL 31). Why? Because the family is a living reflection of the Triune God and the first school of faith and virtue. This makes it vitally important that the family be a place where love abounds. It is true that we often fall short of the ideal of family life, but it is important to remember that “every family, despite its weaknesses, can become a light in the darkness of the world” (AL 66). While the goal of every Christian life is holiness and the perfection of love, God is able to use even our imperfect love to bear witness to his love and goodness. That being said, love should always be the aim of every disciple of Christ. What sort of love? St. Paul gives us an answer in 1 Corinthians 13. Let’s take a look at what he says…
Love is patient.
Love is patient just as God is patient with us. Love desires the best for others and allows them the time and space to grow and change. It is patient with the faults and shortcomings of others, knowing that all of us are a constant work in progress.
Love is at the service of others.
This is the very essence of love… to be concerned with others and to offer ourselves in service. Love is not focused solely on the self; it does not seek its own interests. Rather, “Love is always ready to be of assistance” (AL 93).
Love is not jealous.
Envy and jealousy, Pope Francis says, close us in on ourselves, on what we want or what we think we should have. Love looks in the other direction; it looks to the good of others and rejoices in it.
Love is not boastful.
Pope Francis says that while, generally speaking, love never seeks to focus attention on ourselves, this is especially true of our spiritual progress. He says, “It is important for Christians to show their love by the way they treat family members who are less knowledgeable about the faith, weak or less sure in their convictions. At times the opposite occurs: the supposedly mature believers within the family become unbearably arrogant” (AL 98). This is an interesting point. While personal growth in holiness is important, as we grow in our own faith and relationship with God, we must be careful not to become arrogant or impatient with those who aren’t there yet.
Love is not rude.
If we are to be people of love we must be mindful of how we speak and act. This means we must learn how “to listen, to speak, and, at certain times, to keep quiet” (AL 99). Consider, for example, how we speak to or about the members of our family. Are we respectful? Are we
mean? Would we speak to a stranger that way? Would we tolerate someone speaking to us that way? The truth is, words can hurt. Therefore, “In our families, we must learn to imitate Jesus’ own gentleness in our way of speaking to one another” (AL 100).
Love is generous.
Again, love is not self-centered, but other centered. This is reflected beautifully in one of my favorite passages of scripture, “Do nothing out of selfishness or out of vainglory; rather, humbly regard others as more important than yourselves, each looking out not for his own interests, but also everyone for those of others” (Phil 2:4). Imagine if this was our approach to every person we met. This generous love is precisely what we’re called to in modeling our lives after Jesus – who offered everything he is, his very life, for our healing and restoration.
Love is not irritable or resentful.
Now, here’s the thing… people can be difficult, especially within our own family. They’re going to do things that make you mad and drive you nuts. But, the important question is, what do we do when we become irritated? How do we respond? Pope Francis says, “Our first reaction when we are annoyed should be one of heartfelt blessing, asking God to bless, free and heal that person” (AL 104). This is easier said than done, but when we are annoyed, pray for that person. Ask God to bless them. We might have no idea of the burdens or difficulties they’re facing that are causing them to act the way they do. It reminds me of one of my favorite quotes, “Let us be kind to one another, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.” As people living in a fallen world, we’re going to get irritated and annoyed (and be irritating and annoying ourselves), but we can’t allow this to make us resentful, rude, or hurtful to others in response.
Love forgives.
This is closely related to the last point – love calls us to forgive, which is the opposite of resentment. Forgiveness “seeks to understand other people’s weaknesses and to excuse them” (AL 105). Excusing them doesn’t mean saying that they are no big deal. Saying “I forgive you” is not the same as saying “It’s OK”. Rather, forgiveness means letting go of the desire for revenge. It means desiring that person’s good despite our having been hurt or wronged. Pope Francis says that this call to forgiveness (which is difficult) can only become a reality if we have ourselves encountered and experienced the mercy and forgiveness of God. If you’re having trouble forgiving, spend some time reflecting upon God’s infinite mercy and forgiveness for you. And look to the cross, where Jesus, from the heart of his own suffering, prays, “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.”
Love rejoices with others.
It is important to learn how to not only seek the good of others but rejoice in their well-being, to celebrate when good things happen for others. Pope Francis says, “If we fail to learn how to rejoice in the well-being of others, and focus primarily on our own needs, we condemn ourselves to a joyless existence” (AL 110). Why? Because, as Jesus’ said, “it is more blessed to give than to receive” (Acts 20:35). Rejoicing in the good of others is a sure antidote to the selfishness and greed imbedded in our fallen nature.
Love bears all things.
Love bears wrongs patiently - meaning, love discerns the difference between how I could respond in a given situation, and how I ought to respond. While we may feel that we have a right to do or say something in response to being hurt, the question is: should I say it or do it? Love does not repay evil for evil. Love conquers evil with love. Love allows the goodness of a person to shine through their faults. Listen to what the Pope says about this (in the context of married life)… “Married couples joined by love speak well of each other; they try to show their spouse’s good side, not their weaknesses and faults. In any event, they keep silent rather than speak ill of them” (AL 113). Love doesn’t perpetually focus on the faults and failures of others, or constantly speak negatively about others. Now, this doesn’t mean that we should just pretend that everything is ok and never work on addressing things that are harmful in our relationships. But it does mean that we should be careful to not constantly complain about the shortcomings of others. As Pope Francis says, “Far from ingenuously claiming not to see the problems and weaknesses of others, it sees those weaknesses and faults in a wider context. It recognizes that these failings are a part of a bigger picture. We have to realize that all of us are a complex mixture of light and shadows. The other person is much more than the sum of the little things that annoy me. Love does not have to be perfect for us to value it. The other person loves me as best as they can, with all their limits, but the fact that love is imperfect does not mean that it is untrue or unreal” (AL 113). This is beautiful and important: Love is still love, even when it is imperfect.
Love believes all things.
Pope Francis connects this aspect of love to trust – he says, “Love trusts, it sets free, it does not try to control, possess and dominate everything” (AL 115). Trust is essential to a healthy relationship. Love leaves space for others to do what is right and good. But this means we need to be trustworthy in our relationships as well. It goes both ways. The fact of the matter is that we thrive when we know we are trusted: “this freedom makes for sincerity and transparency, for those who know that they are trusted and appreciated can be open and hide nothing” (AL 115). Trust in a relationship is important, but we must never use this trust as an opportunity to hurt or deceive.
Love hopes all things.
Above all, this is a hope “that others can change, mature and radiate unexpected beauty and untold potential” (AL 116). Love allows others the opportunity to become more – more than what we might have seen of them in the past or more than we think they might be capable of. Hope doesn’t give up or surrender to inevitabilities. Rather, hope keeps us fixed on the power of love to heal and transform.
Love endures all things.
Love never quits. Love involves a readiness to confront any challenge and a willingness to work through any difficulty. Living in love does not mean being without problems. It means not letting these difficulties overpower our commitments to each other. It’s just like fortitude (or courage). Being brave doesn’t mean that we are without fear. Being brave means not letting that fear stop us from doing what we know is right. The same is true of love. Love doesn’t mean not having difficulties. It means not letting those difficulties stop us from continuing to seek the good of others.
These, St. Paul says, are the marks of love. And this love, we know, is the measure of holiness and the vocation of every Christian. As St. Paul says, “If I speak in human and angelic tongues but do not have love, I am a resounding gong or a clashing cymbal. And if I have the gift of prophecy and comprehend all mysteries and all knowledge; if I have all faith so as to move mountains but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give away everything I own, and if I hand my body over so that I may boast but do not have love, I gain nothing” (1 Cor 13:1-3). Therefore, let us always seek to grow in our love for one another. At the end of Amoris Laetitia Pope Francis says, “May we never lose heart because of our limitations, or ever stop seeking that fullness of love and communion which God holds out for us” (AL 325). Remember, love doesn’t have to be perfect for it to be valuable. Let us start now, with all our weaknesses and shortcomings, to pursue love in all that we do. For it is through daily acts of love that our ability to love grows.